添削 (地元について変えたいこと、ワンズワード) [Essay]
かなり添削が入りました。内容自体はあまり変わっていないのですが、分かりやすい書き方に変えてもらいました。
(Title)
If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
(My Essay after proofread)
One important thing that I would change about my hometown is the accessibility of commercial and prefectural facilities. I propose to relocate major facilities to a place close to or in front of the major train station.
In my hometown, the prefectural government office is four kilometers away from the major train station. Therefore, we have to ride a bus or drive a car to go there. Most of the time roads are crowded and parking lots are limited. The city library is located close to this government office. Due to the same problem of limited parking space and bad location, only a few people visit the library even though it has beautiful architecture and good selection of books.
The city government is not close to the major train station, either. We have to ride a bus or drive a car to go there. Since it is located in a crowded residential area, parking spaces are very limited. Riding a bus would be a better option.. If one wanted to visit both the prefectural government office and city government office, one would have to go to opposite ends of the train station. It would be a lot easier for everyone if both government offices were located near each other.
The most disappointing fact in my hometown is that shopping districts are far from the major train station. One will see many empty buildings beside the train station. They were built by clothing companies just after the World War II. Now these buildings are empty because the business has been outsourced to China. The city government is trying to revive this former commercial district, but it has not been successful because some landowners do not want to sell their land.
My hometown is less flourishing than in the past. I think the fact that these facilities are scattered is one of the causes of economic decline in my hometown. Concentration of many government and commercial facilities in front of the major train station will drastically improve the economy and livability of my hometown. Now that the city government has completed the modernization of the train station, I expect that the improvement of surrounding areas of my hometown will follow.
(Point)
・市役所・県庁・メイン駅など、その市の中に一つしかないものは、最初からa/anではなくtheを付ける。
・「図書館に少ししか人が来ない」の「少し」にa fewを使うことに戸惑ったが、100人来たとしても「少ない」と思うならa fewで良い。
・場所についての説明をする場合は、読み手がvisualizeできるようにする。ただし、要点のみを書くこと。
==============================================================
私の作文は、どうでもいいので、折りたたみます。
(My Essay before proofread)
One important thing that I would change about my hometown is to concentrate many of the city and prefectural facilities and commercial facilities in front of a major station.
In my hometown, the prefectural government office is four kilometers away from the major station. Therefore, we have to ride a bus or drive a car to visit there. Roads are crowded and parking lots are limited. In addition, city library is close to the prefectural government office. Although the library is a beautiful building with a lot of books, only a few people visit there because of its bad location.
The city government is not close to the major station, either. It is located on the opposite side to the prefectural government. We have to ride a bus or drive a car to visit there. In addition, because it is located in a crowded residential area, there is only a small parking lot. Every time we go there, we better ride a bus.
The most disappointing fact in my hometown is that shopping districts are far away from the major station. Instead, there are many empty buildings. They were built just after the World War II to deal with clothing business, and now are empty because the business has been outsourced to China. The city government is trying to refurbish this district, but it is not successful because some landowners do not want to sell their land.
My hometown is less flourishing than in the past. I think the fact that these facilities are scattered is one of the causes of economic decline of my hometown. Concentration of many governmental and commercial facilities in front of the major station will drastically improve economy and livability of my hometown. Now that the city government has completed improvement of the station, I will expect my hometown will also be improved.
(Title)
If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
(My Essay after proofread)
One important thing that I would change about my hometown is the accessibility of commercial and prefectural facilities. I propose to relocate major facilities to a place close to or in front of the major train station.
In my hometown, the prefectural government office is four kilometers away from the major train station. Therefore, we have to ride a bus or drive a car to go there. Most of the time roads are crowded and parking lots are limited. The city library is located close to this government office. Due to the same problem of limited parking space and bad location, only a few people visit the library even though it has beautiful architecture and good selection of books.
The city government is not close to the major train station, either. We have to ride a bus or drive a car to go there. Since it is located in a crowded residential area, parking spaces are very limited. Riding a bus would be a better option.. If one wanted to visit both the prefectural government office and city government office, one would have to go to opposite ends of the train station. It would be a lot easier for everyone if both government offices were located near each other.
The most disappointing fact in my hometown is that shopping districts are far from the major train station. One will see many empty buildings beside the train station. They were built by clothing companies just after the World War II. Now these buildings are empty because the business has been outsourced to China. The city government is trying to revive this former commercial district, but it has not been successful because some landowners do not want to sell their land.
My hometown is less flourishing than in the past. I think the fact that these facilities are scattered is one of the causes of economic decline in my hometown. Concentration of many government and commercial facilities in front of the major train station will drastically improve the economy and livability of my hometown. Now that the city government has completed the modernization of the train station, I expect that the improvement of surrounding areas of my hometown will follow.
(Point)
・市役所・県庁・メイン駅など、その市の中に一つしかないものは、最初からa/anではなくtheを付ける。
・「図書館に少ししか人が来ない」の「少し」にa fewを使うことに戸惑ったが、100人来たとしても「少ない」と思うならa fewで良い。
・場所についての説明をする場合は、読み手がvisualizeできるようにする。ただし、要点のみを書くこと。
==============================================================
私の作文は、どうでもいいので、折りたたみます。
(My Essay before proofread)
One important thing that I would change about my hometown is to concentrate many of the city and prefectural facilities and commercial facilities in front of a major station.
In my hometown, the prefectural government office is four kilometers away from the major station. Therefore, we have to ride a bus or drive a car to visit there. Roads are crowded and parking lots are limited. In addition, city library is close to the prefectural government office. Although the library is a beautiful building with a lot of books, only a few people visit there because of its bad location.
The city government is not close to the major station, either. It is located on the opposite side to the prefectural government. We have to ride a bus or drive a car to visit there. In addition, because it is located in a crowded residential area, there is only a small parking lot. Every time we go there, we better ride a bus.
The most disappointing fact in my hometown is that shopping districts are far away from the major station. Instead, there are many empty buildings. They were built just after the World War II to deal with clothing business, and now are empty because the business has been outsourced to China. The city government is trying to refurbish this district, but it is not successful because some landowners do not want to sell their land.
My hometown is less flourishing than in the past. I think the fact that these facilities are scattered is one of the causes of economic decline of my hometown. Concentration of many governmental and commercial facilities in front of the major station will drastically improve economy and livability of my hometown. Now that the city government has completed improvement of the station, I will expect my hometown will also be improved.
こんにちは!!
自分は essay が苦手で避けてしまってるのですが、やっぱりとても役立ちそうですね。 a few とか自分だと2〜3程度という思い込みがあって使えてないと思います。とても参考になりました。
英語とは関係ないですが、お住まいの地域はちょっと不便そうですね。是非行政もこういうところに配慮とお金を使って欲しいものですね。
by haruharu (2012-01-20 16:18)
haruharu様コメントありがとうございます。
英文を読んでいただきありがとうございます。とても嬉しいです。
ちなみに、私はhometownの意味を勘違いしていて、このエッセーは今住んでいるところの話ではなく、生まれ育った場所について書きました。書き終えてから気づいたのですが、勉強のための作文なので、書き直しはしていません。
iTalkで見てもらうときは、ちょっとした単語の使い方レベルの添削が2・3点入るだけ、という場合が多いのですが、ワンズワード(Angeli先生)からはすごいツッコミが入ります。時々しょげますが、慣れてきました。
by nekosama (2012-01-20 22:41)
こんばんは。こちらこそ、返信ありがとうございます。
早速ですが、hometownの意味、自分も曖昧というか適当に理解していたことにいただいた返信をみて気付きました。（それまで何も考えずに何となく使っていました・・・！）
ということでさっそく英辞郎で調べたら、現在住んでいる町と生まれ育った故郷の二つの意味があるのですね。
勉強になりました。ありがとうございます。
では、またお邪魔させてください。
by haruharu (2012-01-21 00:17)
haruharu様ありがとうございます。
英語は多義語が多いですね。まさかhometownに2つの意味があるとは思っていませんでした。
iTalkの感想、とても参考になります。私の感想は主観的すぎますが、それもブログというものだと思いますので、適度に参考にしていただければと思います。
by nekosama (2012-01-23 20:06)