添削 (明治維新、ワンズワード&iTalk)

ワンズワードで、日本の重要な歴史について説明するという宿題が出ました。
明治維新について書いたのですが、英作文なので、史実と異なっているかもしれません。ご了承ください。
ワンズワードでは喋ったところで終わってしまったので、iTalkで原稿の添削をしてもらいました。

訂正された箇所は横線で消し、追加された箇所は下線を付けてあります。

(Title)
Meiji Restoration and Modernization(1)

(My Essay)
Japan’s modernization started in 1853 when ships from the United States landed Japan.

During Edo era that started in 1603 and ended in 1868, the form of government was a hereditary military government called Shogunate led by Shogun. At that time, (2) Japan closed itself to foreign countries, except trading only in one port with China and the Netherlands. China is understandable because China had had close relationships with Japan since ancient era. Why the Netherlands? Because they promised not to do missionary work in Japan. The Shogunate took this policy to avoid Christianity from spreading all over Japan. Christianity was thought to destroy Shogun’s domination because it preaches peace and equality.

In 1853, in the middle of Imperialism in the world, suddenly ships from the United States came to Japan. They told Japan to open itself. In 1856, “Treaty of Amity and Commerce (United States–Japan)” was closed between Japanese Shogunate and US government. In this treaty, Japan was forced to allow consular jurisdiction right and to waived tariff autonomy. Japan closed similar treaties with other European nations. Five Japanese ports were opened to these nations.

Because these treaties were unfavorable and unequal to Japan, some of the “hans” tried to start war to one of these countries. Han is a unit of local government where Daimyo dominated. Daimyo was the top of Samurais in a region. Satsuma han and Tyoushuu han (Kagoshima and Yamaguchi prefectures at present(3) ) had a fight against the UK. As a result, Satuma and Tyoushuu lost. These two hans began to buy weapons from the UK to build modern military systems.

Around that time, Edo Shogunate had less power because of the closure to foreign countries, in addition to its 250 years of long domination. As many facts show, hereditary military(4) government systems cannot be retained for long.

Many hans started to destroy Edo Shogunate and to build a new country with a leadership of the Emperor.

In 1867, the restoration of the Imperial Rule occurred the Emperor who had dominated the country before the Edo era restored his power again(5). The last Shogun of Edo period gave away his power to the Emperor. The Emperor entered the Edo castle where the last Shogun lived for 250 years, and a new era started.

The new government abolished the system of han, and started a prefecture system. It abolished the social ranking system, and all the Samurai people needed to find the other jobs. The government and people started to rebuild the country to avoid being colonized, based on the slogan of increasing national prosperity and military power richer and stronger country(6).

(Point)
(1) 「明治維新」を辞書で調べたままに書いてしまった。restorationだけでは、何のrestorationなのか連想しにくく不明瞭なので、「近代化」を入れると、記事の内容を連想しやすい。
(2) ShogunateやShogunがいきなり出てくると読者には分からないので、説明を入れること。
(3) 現在は鹿児島県・山口県だと分かりやすいようにする。
(4) "hereditary government"だと、monarchyだと思われた。monarchyではないので、誤解を避けるためにmilitaryを入れる。
(5) 「大政奉還」を辞書で調べたままに書いてしまった。説明不足。皇室が江戸時代前には統治していたことを追記すると、読み手に分かりやすくなる。
(6) 「富国強兵」を辞書で調べたままに書いてしまった。こちらは通じると思ったのですが、わかりづらかったようです。